I have a terrible habit. Or maybe quirk is the better word to explain what I do. It annoys Jon to no end, and I completely understand why, although I have no immediate plans to stop. As it is, I do this thing-I watch a movie, let’s say…the Notebook, and I turn to Jon and ask him if he would want us to die at the same time in bed together when we’re old, or if he would write me a letter every day for a year if I left him (or whatever other completely implausible but slightly tragic and romantic event has just taken place). It drives him insane-I seriously see him getting more and more annoyed as the months of our relationship have passed and I continue to attack him with my nonsensical musings over Shakespearean death scenes that could befall us-and yet, I continue to ask. At this point he preempts my questions. Some strange task will befall a man in a movie we’re watching, we’ll lock eyes, he’ll know what I’m about to do, and he’ll try to cut me off at that pass. Sometimes it works. Sometimes not. Generally, I want an answer one way or the other. Usually it’s “yes, I would”, in case you were wondering.
Recently I read a few articles from the “modern family” section of Salon. For whatever reason, each of the articles/essays I came across revolved around failed relationships-a woman who still kept snapshots of her wedding, nine years, 3 kids and one divorce later. A philandering husband who blamed his wife and his mistress for being so gauche in this day and age as to expect fidelity from him. And I was depressed. And a little nervous. Marriage is scary. That whole “kid of a broken home” thing? It runs deep with all of its neuroses. And at times I think I question my own relationship, and my own fabulously innocent fiance, simply because his life and what he grew up with was so much more simple and loving and dare I say “normal” than what I had. (Normal being relative, I’m aware). And I pray to whatever goddess is out there looking over me/us that we will be so lucky to have such a long, inspiring relationship as his own parents, with beautiful children and old age and more trips together around the world. Growing up is frightening, and having very few examples of successful long term marriages makes the task ahead daunting. Oh, and by successful I mean simple things such as liking and respecting each other. Doing things together. Taking the other’s feelings into account. Public affection (not in a gross way, but you know what I mean). Things like that. That being said, I have no doubts about what we’re doing-take that for what you may.I know any relationship takes work, and I think we’re both very ready and excited and willing to do that work. But sometimes, I selfishly like having a little extra show of devotion, even if it’s just in the form of a stupid question inspired by a stupid movie written in a Hollywood studio, all because I’m an idiot. So thanks for answering Jon. I love you. And I have high hopes for us-you’re a pretty inspiring and wonderful guy. Excuse my internet mushy-ness and rambling about the complexities of marriage and all that goes with it.