I miss all the things

ryleigh's birthday missing ohio

best friends that i love

ohio sunset

nia and ashley

kingswood center 2012

with lindsey in german village

The longer I’ve been here in England, the more entrenched I’ve becoming in seeing this as my home. While I also see Ohio as home-and forever will I feel that way, I’m sure-I have far fewer, far less frequent pangs of homesickness than I ever used to. That being said, today I’m reminded of how many important moments I miss by persevering in this life that I have here in England, continuing to build it and put down roots and become permanently entrenched within it.

Today is my niece’s 5th birthday. Fifth! I remember when she was born-another event I missed because I was living in South Korea at the time. I didn’t even meet her until she was 4 months old. My sister’s son was born just before Christmas in 2012, and I didn’t meet him until he was 2 months old-I was already living in the UK then. He barely knows who I am, as I’ve only seen him twice in his young life. I missed my mom’s 50th birthday. Next weekend my cousin is getting married, another wedding that I won’t be attending, same with another cousin’s wedding from last September that I couldn’t attend. I haven’t met my best friend’s baby girl, or another best friend’s new baby boy, or seen another best friend’s fancy downtown apartment. And countless other things that have come and gone.

The missing goes in ebbs and flows, but I am missing all the things today, and all the people. This whole immigrant experience has gotten so much easier as time has moved on and I don’t even think about it all that often any more, but some parts are never, and will never be, easy to deal with. The guilt for not being there for my loved ones is immense, and unavoidable. And I just don’t think it will ever get better, not really. I will never not feel guilty, and I will always be straddling two worlds.

4 thoughts on “I miss all the things

  1. Emma

    I have missed my best friends birthday for 7 years, not being in the country! I also have no siblings to help my mum so I know about the guilt! But I am so grateful we have the internet!

    Reply
    1. Ashley Post author

      Seriously, thank goodness for the internet-when i first started traveling, facebook was barely a thing. now there’s skype and all that jazz, so at least it’s much better now than then.

      Reply
  2. Lindsey

    Yes, thanks for the Internet, world! I can’t imagine what it would be like for you without it. And without planes traveling like they do. I know we don’t keep up with each other too much but whenever I see you our friendship will always pick up just the way it left off, like a moment hasn’t even passed. And I plan to see you whenever I make it to France and really anytime I can afford a trip to England. Wouldn’t it be so cool if every other year or so we could just take vacations together to random European countries? I think that’s my plan for now.

    Reply
    1. Ashley Post author

      I’m so glad it’s worked out this way so far! I’m hoping it will continue to do so. I’m super thankful for you Linz, and our awesome friendship!

      Things are hard sometimes, but I can’t even imagine what it would have been like had I met Jon like….ten years ago, rather than 5, or if we were older than we are now. It’s a good era to be living abroad, definitely. I always end up thinking about people who did what I’ve done but generations ago, and then never returned home or never saw their families ever again, and that pulls my head out of my ass right quick, haha.

      Reply

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *