It’s been on my mind lately how very much I feel like I am in a place in my life where I am nowhere at all. Of course, the rigors of grad school keep me quite busy, but I’ve found myself feeling restless. It’s a feeling I have spent a lot of time marinating in over the years-generally never living anywhere more than a year at a time since high school, always wondering what country or city I’ll be in next, what job I’ll have. Even in college I moved at least once a year, sometimes twice. I thought that would end after Korea-I’d made a promise to myself to settle down a bit, get a job in the States, an apartment, a dog. But then love happened, as saccharine as it sounds, and now Jon and I are stuck doing the long distance thing as I toil in my grad program and he at his job in England. These are all good things, I remind myself, and of course in the long run they will be all for better opportunities for both of us. But knowing that finishing this degree is the only thing standing between a stable, shiny-new future, one where I actually get to see my doll every day and make a life together…well, it’s hard to get motivated sometimes. I can’t stop planning for the future-and Jon’s not much help, it’s all we talk about! And I think to some extent it’s keeping me from focusing on the now. Trying to live in the present has been something that I’ve attempted to work on. No sense living in the past, or only wondering about the future. The present’s where it’s at! But I’m not living up to my own standards. I’ve never felt so unattached to my own life.
That’s what I’ve been pondering lately. And in my attempts to add more words to the blog (I just have so many!), I’ve decided to share. A record of my life is nothing without some context, a few thoughts here and there.
With all this in mind, I’m looking forward to February. Jon will be here in 6 weeks, spring break-although it will most likely be chilly as per Ohio’s usual weather-will also be here in 6 weeks, and I will be one quarter closer to graduation. In the mean time, I’ll try a little harder to focus on each day as it comes (no lie, I’ll be looking toward the weekends more than anything, not that they differ greatly from the weekdays-lots of work, just no class!) and stay warm. Freezing rain and snow storm warnings for the next few days! Oh life…just figuring it out as I go, I guess.