Saying Goodbye

America England thoughts

Saying goodbye this time is the very hardest thing that i have ever done. I sit here now, post farewell-party disguised as holiday-party and i cannot imagine the new life that I am about to embark on with my beautiful husband.  We are so happy and I have spent so much time and effort working towards this life and this moment and this move together, and yet here it is, two days away and as I have mentioned before, the action of happy feelings meshing with sad moving-away feelings has heretofore rendered me an emotionless robot. But the robot moments have ended and it’s all I can do to stop crying at every given turn, every smile from someone I love, every hug and every laugh. I don’t want to go and I don’t know how well I’m going to do at this. I want everything all at once, my friends and home and family and husband and while to many that isn’t too much to ask for, for us it just IS and it is an impossible thing and an impossible reality. And this is the truth now. And to be strong and brave and thankful for everything is just so goddamn hard and I’m not good at it. So many have said “you must be so excited!” and “oh, i’m so jealous!” to which my internal response, every time, is “go give up your whole life for one person-your favorite restaurants and bars and coffee shops, your crazy sister and parents, your best friends since grade school and college, your whole life,  and get back to me on how fucking romantic it is”. Which is cynical and terrible, but really the truth. This romance comes at a price, and it is steep.

I move away on Monday and the next two days will be the hardest I’ve had.

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